


Just

by frominsideacomputer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, and self harm, but no actual death, or violence, there's extreme mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:39:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3687423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frominsideacomputer/pseuds/frominsideacomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's watching a video of Phil's because he's sent it to him, but it's sadder than it should have been and Dan needs to do something about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just

_”They say nothing lasts forever; I don’t believe that, I think love lasts forever, it’s passed down in generations._   
_I wish that we had had a generation to pass it down to._   
_I wish that we still have that love. It was perfect, the love we had, it seemed like forever would come before it ended._   
_But you kicked me out. 24th September. Your reasoning was awful, just clichés and over-used phrases. “I just need some space.” “I don’t think this is working anymore.”  I left very swiftly after. I took all my stuff, moved in with PJ, just for a bit, just whilst I found a new place to live._   
_Now, I’m living in Notting Hill, a small 2 bedroom flat. It’s nice, rustic, with beams and solid tile floors. I was alone for a bit, echoing round in a empty flat, then Will moved in, he was amazing, really good looking, and I got on with him really well, but he wasn’t you. He wasn’t the right one. We just didn’t ‘click’._   
_Remember the day I quit the radio show? Remember the look in Lizzy’s face when I told her I was leaving? Are you still doing the show now? Have you replaced me?_   
_I don’t tune in on a Sunday evening, if the time hasn’t changed. I don’t wait for a new video to be uploaded, I don’t reply to your tweets. I don’t watch your live shows._   
_I used to, I will admit to that; for a month afterwards I just missed you so much; I would reply to your tweets, but you never reacted; I always commented on your videos, but nothing came; I rang into the radio show, hoping you would pick up the phone, only a recorded message met my ears; and I always, always, always watched your live shows._   
_I couldn’t care less. I stopped making videos as well; I carried on for a while after, just to keep the fans happy, but they began to realise something was wrong. I lost them, just like I lost you._   
_I got a new job, working for Sony, testing out new cameras. I travel a lot, I get to see the world, just like I always wanted, remember?_   
_I’ve met amazing people; made new friends; had a few relationships - never as good as ours; Most of those people I’ve stayed friends with, just friends, unlike us._   
_My depression came back, I thought I was so happy, but one day, I hit rock bottom, I wouldn’t do anything for weeks, it was like an existential crisis. Ironic really. I began cutting again; it wasn’t very bad to begin with, not very much. Then it became a habit, every night I’d go into the bathroom and pick up a small blade and take it to my wrist, my arm, my stomach, my legs, wherever I could find a space. I’m going to end it now._   
_This is the last video I will ever make, today is my last full day; tomorrow I will be gone by 3 o’clock. I’m not editing this, I don’t want it perfect, because perfect doesn’t exist, it never has, and it never will. It’s just a lot of good, just words and actions that seem perfect at the time._   
_This is my way of saying thank you, and goodbye, it’s so very like me isn’t it? Making a video that only you can see. Let’s hope YouTube doesn’t unprivate it like with the Valentine’s Day video._   
_I just wanted to say goodbye, I am never going to see you again. Goodbye, bear._   
_Goodbye, for the last time._   
_I’ve never stopped loving you. Just so you know_   
_Goodbye.”_

Dan had tears in his eyes as he watched the video for the 50th time that day. He didn’t know what to do, he had always thought about ringing Phil, but as time wore away, it became harder and harder to pick up the phone. Now it would be the last time he would have the chance to see him again. But a nagging voice in his head was saying no. It was telling him that he didn’t want to see Phil again; questioning his reasons to why he should pick up the phone. But he ignored that, he grabbed his phone, ran out onto the balcony, and rang Phil.   
Ring. Ring. Ring. It rang for ages; Dan lost hope and very nearly gave up. Until:  
“Hello? Who’s this?”  Phil’s voice crackled through the phone.   
“…Phil, it’s me.” Dan said, after taking a breath.   
He was met by a deep silence; neither of them said anything for ages. Phil had never thought he would hear from Dan again, Dan wasn’t 100% sure why he had called.   
“I…I never thought…I thought you had forgotten me.” Phil stammered, his eyes were welling up with tears, even though Dan couldn’t see him, he knew. “I lost you, I thought I’d never see you again, I should have called, I should have not deleted your number, I’m sorry.” He rambled on, until he was interrupted 4 words.   
“I watched the video.”   
“What?” Phil was shocked; he had never, in a million years thought that Dan would actually watch the video.   
“I don’t want you to go.  I always read your tweets; I always noticed that you were watching my live shows; I nearly called so many times. But I wimped out, just like I would always do, never giving a reason for anything I did, or didn’t do.” Dan heard Phil sniff on the other end of the line, he knew he was crying now.   
“Why didn’t you? I wanted to see you again.” Phil mumbled through tears.   
Dan was crying now as well. “Because it would break my heart to see you again. Look, where are you? Please don’t do it.”  
“I’m on London Bridge, where we had our first kiss. Remember?”   
“Don’t do anything stupid, I’ll there in 15 minutes.” Dan pleaded, running out the door, grabbing his wallet on the way. He jumped into a taxi, still on the phone to Phil, afraid that if he hung up Phil would jump.

15 minutes later Dan was running along the pavement, towards Phil, who he could see under lamp post, staring into the fast flowing waters of the Thames.   
“Jesus Phil, you could at least have walked along a bit, I can’t run.” Dan gasped as he reached Phil.   
“Sorry.” Phil snapped.   
“I’m joking. Look, I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I really am.” Dan wanted Phil’s forgiveness more than anything right now.   
Phil knew that Dan was truly sorry, the look he had on his face, the urgency he had when coming to the bridge and he knew that he should forgive him.   
“I know.” Phil looked into Dan’s brown eyes, as Dan looked back into Phil’s blue eyes. “And I forgive you.”   
Dan’s eyes filled with tears as they grabbed each other in an embrace that they had both missed dearly.

“Do you want to come over? To like, watch a film or something?” Phil asked, scared Dan would decline.   
“Of course, I’d love to see your new crib.” Dan said, ironically.  
“I’ve missed that sarcasm.” Phil sighed.   
“I want to see this famous Notting hill flat.”   
“Come on then.”

They got the tube to Phil’s apartment, just like old times, Dan playing iPhone games, Phil reading the adverts above, except, they used to lean on the other, now neither of them can do that.   
They arrive at the station, Phil comes most days but this is Dan’s first time here. Phil leads Dan out into the street, they walk in an slightly awkward silence to Phil’s apartment.

They arrive outside, Dan stops and looks up, taking in the quality of the house.  
“You’ve done well.” He says, impressed.   
“Well, remember the day you broke up with me?”  
“How could I forget?”   
“Sony had offered me a job to test out cameras, and I was going to take it, I could have carried on with YouTube and the radio show as well. I get paid a lot and I get to travel a lot as well.”   
“Oh wow, I never really considered what you would do after you left radio 1. Anyway, can I see inside?”   
Phil unlocked the door, and they walked up a flight of stairs to Phil’s apartment.

A shocking sight met Dan’s eyes. It was nothing how he had imagined it at all.   
There were hundreds of photos covering one wall, all from different trips Phil had been on in the last 3 years. Concert and movie posters covered another wall. A massive set of French windows stood at one end of the room, blazing sunlight gleaming through. And the kitchen - rustic, wooden, made to look battered - had every type of gadget possible: a waffle maker, a mixer/blender/food processor, a popcorn machine, a coffee machine, a toastie maker, a microwave, a posh-as-the-queen fridge and an oven.

He went through into the bedroom, where a familiar sight met his eyes, Phil’s bedroom had not changed, the same bed, the same duvet, everything in the same place.

“So, this is me now.” Phil said, appearing with two mugs of tea. “What do you think?”   
“I think… It’s so you and so not very you at all.”  
“What?”   
“I guess, I knew that it would be different, but not like this.”   
“Oh right, do you like it? I mean the house and stuff.”   
“I love it, you’ve done very well.” Dan sipped his tea, made just the way he liked.  
“You sound like a patronising teacher rewarding a 5 year old. But thank you. What do you want to do now? Play video games? Watch a movie? Watch Buffy on DVD?  
“Movie sounds good.” Dan answered as they walked into the lounge.   
“Which one?” Phil asked even though he already knew the answer. “Howl’s Moving Castle.” Dan said, as if it were obvious, which it was; it had always been their favourite movie.

Phil set up the DVD whilst Dan surveyed the living room in more detail. Tripods everywhere, cameras and wires escaped out of cupboards and drawers; games and DVDs took up at least half of one wall.

“Do you want popcorn?” Phil slid across the wooden floor and into the kitchen like he had been practising.  
Dan’s reply came in the form of raised eyebrows, clearly stating that it was a stupid question.   
Phil turned the popcorn machine on and tipped in the kernels.   
It was ready quickly, Phil tipped the fresh popcorn into a bowl and poured sugar all over it. He walked over to the sofa, where Dan had already made himself at home. He sat down, resting against the arm of the red sofa, Dan resting on the opposite arm, no physical contact.

The movie began and they shared the popcorn, then they reached a point in the movie when Sophie realises she loves Howl; last time they watched it together, they had ended up having passionate sex on the floor. They had obviously both thought of this because neither if them could look at the other for a while before they both burst out in spluttered laughter. Dan rolled his eyes whilst Phil blinked back tears.   
Then Dan did one of the most unexpected things a person in his situation could ever do; he leant against Phil’s upright knees, just like they used to do, when they were a couple.   
“Just friends?”   
“Yeah, just friends.”

They continued to watch the movie, and as the credits were rolling on the screen, Dan realised Phil was silently sobbing behind him.   
“What’s wrong?” Dan enquired, worried about Phil.  
“Oh, nothing, it’s just, I haven’t watched howl since well, you know…”   
Dan reached his hand up and stroked away a tear that was escaping out if Phil’s eye. It was an act of such kindness, Phil had to smile. And that was just it, that smile, that glimmer of happiness in a depressed world that cheered Dan up.   
They looked into each other’s eyes, seeing a spark that hadn’t existed for a very long time.

Dan lent forward, as did Phil, their lips collided, pale skin against tanned. Dan’s hand held Phil’s cheek, Phil held Dan’s other hand.   
They broke apart, Dan also had tears in his eyes.  
“Just friends would never really work with us, would it?”   
Dan smiled. “Let’s take it slow this time. Just one day at a time.”


End file.
